


Stupid White Boys

by DCJoKeRHS



Series: IronFam [1]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: By which I mean he joins the "Not-White-And-Done" Club, I love them all, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, M/M, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Rhodey and Wong are So Done with their White Boys, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson is So Done, They drag Sam in, White Boys Being Dumb, Wong is Secretly Omniscient, Wong is a Good Bro (Marvel), i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 11:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17161370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DCJoKeRHS/pseuds/DCJoKeRHS
Summary: So, I'm crap at Comedy, but here's a thing I wrote





	Stupid White Boys

At first, Wong and Rhodey only met up to bitch about their best friends/co-workers because Tony and Stephen were annoying as hell in a good day.

And that  _ meant _ a good day.

But then they'd both lost their boys fighting Thanos', both white assholes MIA.

And then they were just two friends, worried as  _ fuck _ over their boys.

 

Two days later, Ned Leeds joined them; Spiderman's ‒ Spider _ kid's _ ‒ guy-in-the-chair and best friend.

Then things started to change a bit.

 

“I mean,  _ seriously _ , I'm like, Tony, I don't think  _ that will fit _ as he's trying to get Dum-E to hold a king-sized watermelon and Tony's still drunk as  _ balls _ , so he looks at me, looks at the watermelon…And does it anyway.”

Ned and Wong burst out cackling.

“Watermelon got literally  _ everywhere _ and U was moving about like “woah! What do we do?!” To which FRIDAY just said “sir, I believe you should have listened to your sober friend; Dum-E will be sticky tomorrow.” I had to  _ leave _ 'cause Tony's face had just become a mass of “what the shit” and I was about to lose it laughing!”

“Stephen drunk is a lot more docile, because he knows he's drunk,” Wong says, “There was this celebration after he defeated Mordo and I find him in the corner, so I say “what on earth are you doing there? You could be chatting with the girls or that monk you keep looking at!” So he just looks up at me, hands by his mouth, and says “birch. I'm drunk. No. Fucking. Way.””

Wong's face as he impersonates Stephen is  _ perfect _ , nailing the sorcerer's bitch-face, but managing to look drunk by relaxing his frame and swaying a little, before he straightens up, “So I convince him otherwise and help him stand up, and guess what happened!”

“What?!” Ned grins, eyes sparkling.

“He fell right down again when I let go! He'd gotten so drunk, I had to get the cloak to help him!” Wong cackles with the other two.

“Peter's still part spider, so I've only gotten him drunk  _ once _ ,” Ned says.

“How the hell…” Rhodey asks taking another sip of coffee.

“Turns out there's only two things that fuck him up: peppermint and alcohol, and we were at someone's house party, so it was chill,” Ned says, putting his cup down, “So Peter is drunk, right? And the first thing he does, once drunk, is fall over. Then,  _ because _ he's fallen over, he's like “how'd I'd get down here?” And plays it off by going into a handstand. People were  _ screaming _ , our old bully Flash was  _ pissed _ but was sitting down 'cause he'd taken something so couldn't stand up and it was  _ great _ . So then Peter, grinning like an idiot, walks on his hands around the room, before flopping over and accidentally tripping someone into falling on him ‒ and guess who it was!”

“Who?!” both men ask, grinning.

“ _ Michelle Jones _ , who's been Peter's  _ crush _ since after  _ Toomes _ got locked up. So then Peter, still shit-faced, is just like “oh shit” before trying to play it off and the first words he says, sprawled out on the floor with an unamused, tipsy Michelle on top of him are, “hey, didn't think you'd fall  _ that _ hard for me,” and Michelle just  _ slaps  _ him  _ right across the jaw _ .”

 

They have small rules for their meetups.

Or more, for when they go out, given all three of them now lived in the Tower.

  1. No alcohol; last time Wong got drunk, Rhodey was carrying his fat ass home and that wasn't fun.
  2. Stay with Ned; the kid wanders on a good day.
  3. If you see a blonde on a bike, that's Steve and he's off limits 'cause else Mama Leeds will kill them.



Any other rules had yet to be added.

But the two men hadn't really built an opinion of Ned until there was  _ trouble _ .

Or more, a guy with a gun.

Pointed at Ned while he yells at the cashier.

But it was  _ Wong  _ and  _ Rhodey  _ he was threatening, too!

So, after a punch and a spell (and maybe another punch but Monks are meant to be Peaceful so let's skip that) the police were carting away a broken-nose’d criminal as Wong and Rhodey calmly escorted the kid back to the tower.

“So… thanks?” Ned grins, “that was awesome, by the way.”

“Kid, first I'm telling Mama Leeds, then I'm dragging you through as much training as bloody possible,” Rhodey states.

“I second that,” Wong agrees…

 

After they won, the two “uncles” became three, as Sam returned.

Or more, they took one look at him looking at Steve, before dragging his ass out the door.

“So, what's a hilarious story of Steve?” Sam hums an hour later, after explanations and introductions, “I'd say… When the idiot ended up at my house, dragging Nat and Clint behind him like some overgrown puppy; this was before any of us met, by the way, so Steve's tryna get to grips with the situation, since he'd just run from HYDRA and sh‒ stuff.”

“Swearing's chill; I'm a teen, not a kid!” Ned grins.

“Okay, anyway, so, running from HYDRA and shit,  _ then _ Steve sits on my couch and almost as soon as he relaxes, he jumps up like I'd hid summat in the cushions and yells “oh my god Tony called him a kid!” And I bet you can guess who he was thinking about.”

“Peter,” Ned grins.

“Peter,” Rhodey agrees.

Silence as the three look at Wong.

“You already said it; Tony's Spider-son.”

A chuckle is shared.

“Anyway, so, he starts getting all worked up, and of all thinks he could yell, after the whole fight we had, was “TONY, WHY THE FUCK WAS A KID ON THE BATTLEFIELD!” and Bucky just calmly says “teens sneaking into the battlefield? Whatever does that remind you of?” with this  _ look _ that has Steve crossing his arms like some sort of man-child, it was golden!”

“Did he pout?! Did he pout?!” Ned grins.

“He did!”

“Oh my God, Peter does that!” Ned cackles, “Once Mr Stark said he couldn't get upgrades on his suit unlocked until he was older, so he was just bouncing on my bed saying “I'm not a kid!” and then we hacked the suit! Then, like, a month later he just rolled around the floor because Mr Stark had called him a baby.”

“Back in college, I took Tony to visit my mom and she called him a sweet baby and he was first wary, but then  _ loved _ the attention, when we had to return to campus he was just sitting in his seat, arms and legs crossed and sassing about not being a baby! He was acting like a toddler having a tantrum!”

Ned rolls his eyes, as Wong snorts.

“I’m sure there is no point at which I have caught Stephen acting like a toddler,” Wong says, “But I have caught him acting like a highschool popular girl.”

“Basically Tony,” Rhodey remarks.

“Oh, yeah, but more pop culture references and ‘my hair’... Wait, no, that’s him all the time,” Wong says, “So, anyway, we were working, it was Sunday night, Stephen was teaching kids on Monday, I specifically remember he had a round number with about six or seven zeroes in his account and he just knocks his hand by accident on the way downstairs. For an hour, it was fine.  _ Three in the morning in Tibet _ , Stephen looks at his watch for the time and just  _ stops _ . We’re at the temple by that time, we should be in bed, but he  _ stops _ . So I stop, like “Steph, we’re meant to be up at seven, what are you so shocked over?” and he says, “I’m damaged, my watch is  _ damaged _ what the  _ fuck _ !” so I look and there’s just a scratch on the face of the watch.”

“Bit of a long tale, but fine,” Rhodey hums.

“Bitch, yours are longer,” Wong hums, “So I say “it’s just a scratch” and he’s like “ _ bitch _ you did  _ not _ just say that(?)!” so what he does is, instead of searching for a solution on line, Stephen literally makes a portal and drags me to England, where it’s 7PM, to a watch shop he knows! I’m like “What on earth?!” and he’s like “It’ a  _ situation _ .” So, the clerks like “what you you want?” and he ends up paying 150 quid! At least they buffed it with it but I was like “bitch you crazy!” and he replies “Bitch, I’m  _ Quality _ .””

 

Things settle after that, as time passes.

Then The Wedding happens.

Or more, after a gaudy proposal, Wong and Rhodey getting sick of the amount of innuendoes Tony and Stephen spill at eachother and Ned and Sam getting angsty over a constantly-vibrating-with-joy Peter and Steve, there is the wedding!

Or more, the wedding reception.

Wong, Rhodey and Sam had hidden in a corner after giving their best wishes (and post-marriage shovel talks) to the newlyweds.

But then Rhodey speaks.

“Err, Sam,”

“Yup?”

“Duty called; it says the kid’s crying.”

“Steve’s not a‒”

Rhodey points, the other two turning to find Peter bawling into Steve’s shirt, Ned trying to comforting the overwhelmed child.

“Oh god! Where the fuck is Bucky?! I’m  _ not _ dealing with the fallout by myself!” Sam says, looking round quickly.

“What fallout?” Wong asks.

“Steve’ always wanted a nephew! Now there’s  possible one crying into his suit!” Sam snaps.

“Oh, uh, Bucky’s left.”

“Left?! What?!” 

“He’s gone home with someone.”

Cursing, Sam strides forwards, pulling Peter back with a “Why the hell you crying?” to a “ _ MR WILSOOOON!  _ I was just helping out and then Mr Stark-Strange and Mr stark-Strange said they had a proposition for me and handed me a form and  _ I don’t know what to do but I’m happy and it had “partial-adoption” at the top and Aunt May’s already agreed to it but I don’t want to be a nuisance and WHAT DO I DO THIS IS TOO PERFEEEECT _ !”

Rhodey and Wong share a look.

“How the fuck do you know where Barnes is?”

“Oh, I have my ways…” Wong hums, “He’s really over by the flowerstand near the buffet table with Natasha, trying to buy the pictures of Peter as Best Man, if I go by the six-feet of muscle and man-bun alone.”

“Ah,” Rhodey nods, as the pair watch the party continue, Peter eventually throwing himself at the newlyweds and blabbering about how happy he is, both men looking at the kid with parental awe.

But then comes the point at which both men are going to have their first drink for the night, the pair lifting up a bottle of champagne with their tied-together hands.

“All hands on deck!” Rhodey hums.

“Yup; Stephen’s a lightweight.”


End file.
